When I am weak he is strong.

I have been working on this blog from 8pm-2am yesterday and most of today. Finding text from the bible, so hold on because this one is going to jump around and be long but heartfelt.

Yesterday had some unfortunate events that let me to completing the dare without even knowing what it was. What led me to be able to accomplish the dare came at a great cost to not only myself but to Ashleigh and our children.

I lost complete control of my temper yesterday afternoon, so bad that I threw myself into hyperventilation which has NEVER happen to me. That alone scared me senseless but worse then that scaring Ash and the kids to devastation. I would never hurt Ashleigh or the Kids physically what so ever, I was raised better then that, I hurt then emotionally and the way I acted I am sure they didn’t know what would happen. I don’t even want to imagine the Ugliness, the fear they were seeing through their eyes on how their father, their teacher, mentor, someone they depend on to make them feel safe and secure just let them down just demonstrating the wrong example.

After this occurred I was leaning against the front door Ash and the kids were gone, I finally caught my breath and for the second time in my life I felt something strong in me. It wasn’t my own strength because I was at my weakest point after just realizing what damage I have done to my family (this part I didn’t put into perspective until later that night over dinner with Pastor Thomas) It was the lords strength and his words coming into my thoughts telling me to pick up the phone and call Thomas. "For when I am weak, He is strong" 2 Corinthians 12:10. So I did and Thomas asked if I could stop by the church and we could talk. When I got there one of my other good friends and mentor brought more light to me eyes and helped me figure out where this anger was starting to brew, it comes from me not letting go of my pride of always trying to satisfy my family by doing way to much not asking for help. just working myself to the point of exhaustion when all I have to do from getting to that point is push pride to the side and ask Ashleigh for assistance not just give little hints that I think she would understand.

This is the point that I am going to start jumping around; I want you to get the full understanding on how with the unfortunate events lead me to completing the dare without knowing what it was.

Sometime during the conversations with Thomas and Tony I realized that I needed a "network" a lifeline basically and that’s when I joined a Mans Study at church. This is a weekly meet for just men that will give me the kick that I need and the honest blunt truth on how I am doing and where I am messing up and guide me in the direction to fix it. The same Ashleigh gives me only different because it’s from a group of Guys that have either had or are going through the same struggle.

The Other day my dare was for me to ask the Lord to give me a sign, to show me where I have been weak or where I could have put more heart into out of the previous 18 dares. So I did exactly what the dare was I went through from day one to day 19 and then I asked the Lord to give me a sign on where I needed to work. To show me where I wasn’t giving my whole heart. Before I continue I'm going to be honest and tell you for the past week or so I haven’t been true to myself or to my faith in God and drifted off the path letting sin take over. With that being said I got exactly what I asked for a sign that slapped me right in the face, he made me realize that anger was my struggle and he said exactly that through my friend Tony.

Two things happen at that point but here is some text from the bible that will say exactly what they are.

"For everyone who asks receives" Matthew 7:8


"In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his child." Hebrews 12:5-6.

"Submit yourselves to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you." James 4:7-8

Those 2 things were 1) that I asked for a sign to show me where I was the weakest so I would be able to restrain from doing it again. I just didn’t notice until it was entirely too late. 2) Because I haven’t been as faithful or true to the Lord, as one of his sons I needed to be disciplined. He disciplined me through my family, by imagining through their eyes the rage just pouring out from someone they are supposed to look up to. Did this punishment hurt? Beyond the way any word can describe. Think of it this way for a second when your parents disciplined you when you did wrong did it hurt? Now I want you to think of the worst fear you have and amplify that by so much more. That is how much my anger scared me yesterday. And if it scared me so bad all I can do is imagine how devastated my family was, I saw a small glimpse of the fear in both Chase and Grace's eyes. I saw the image replay in my head later that night. What I saw was these 2 beautiful helpless children asking their selves who this man was, because this is not their daddy. It was hate and rage that they should have not ever witnessed neither should have Ash. I saw the disappointment in all of them telling me they were hurt that I had failed them so bad. At the time it was happening I didn’t see all of this, it was later on the drive to Wild Wings where I meet Pastor Thomas when I had realized. After telling Thomas how I was feeling and imagining how scared they could be he told me to stop beating my self up. That the Lord was speaking to me. It was because I had made the first and hardest step which was admitting my imperfections and not casting blame (which I have done in the past) on Ashleigh. I will be honest in saying she had a part in it, but it wasn’t any wrong. I made that choice on my own to not hold back the anger. Again IT WAS MY CHOICE to do that no one else can do that for me.
      The next question Thomas had I knew the answer to before he asked, and that was what is the next step? To ask forgiveness not only from Christ and Ashleigh, but more importantly the kids. You may think they are to young to understand but when you see what I had this morning in their eyes then you can tell me if they are or not. When I looked into their eyes from their level I still saw a little fear in their eyes, I didn’t blame them what so ever for having that they had every right to feel that way. Instead I continued admitting that I was wrong and not myself, that I see how much I hurt them and don’t want to do that again. After saying that and asking if they would forgive me, those very same eyes went from being filled with fear to being filled with love and support. Then Chase showed me even more with 4 gentle words that lifted me from darkness to light "I Love You Daddy" once again I had the feeling of wholeness. "Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." Hebrews 4:16

This brings me to the conclusion on how I completed yesterdays dare without knowing!

"Dare to take God at his word. Dare to trust in Jesus Christ for salvation. Dare to pray, "Lord Jesus, I'm a sinner. But you have shown you love fore me by dying to forgive my sins, and you have proven your power to save me from death by your resurrection. Lord, change my heart, and save me by your Grace."

-Justin
“Blessed, indeed, is the man who hears many gentle voices call him daddy!”