Negotiating orders

Here is the story on needing a little luck to get back to California. A few days ago I got a wild hair and wanted to look and see what orders were out there for me again, I have been looking here and there just to see how many were for San Diego. For those of you who don’t know how the Navy works here is a long run down. Right now my rotation is 4 and 3 (4 years at Sea and 3 on shore) so as of now I am on a "Shore Command". I graduated RDC "C" School on May 23rd 2008 (the day after my birthday) and that is when my counter started for shore duty well June 2008 really. Last June was my year on board RTC (Recruit Training Command) and the month I went "On Hold" and here we are coming close to June 2010 and me rolling back to becoming an "On Push" RDC again. Here is how it works 12 months out from the tentative date you are supposed to transfer you can look at orders. Orders are a list of positions that need to be filled throughout the Navy. Those lists are provided to our detailers and we make contact with them and tell them what we would like. And here is where it starts getting interesting, I have been looking just for G.P. (general purpose) for a few months and there has been NOTHING to California for a BM1 (Boatswains Mate 1st Class). There are other openings for Virginia, Japan and Guam... But I really don’t want any of those. I have been in the Navy for 13 years this June and 11 of those 13 have been served on the West Coast. I also have 7 years until I am eligible to retire and 4 of those 7 are going to be at my next command a "Sea Duty Billet". Getting back on track now... Detailers have some jobs that they don’t list for the public to see, kind of for their eyes only lol. Any way knowing that little bit of info I decided to call my Detailer and just see what there was if anything. The conversation went a little like this (well the important parts anyway, all the rest we were just talking shop) ME "BMC this is BM1 Jansen I was just wondering when I could negotiate orders?" HIM "Where you trying to go Boats?" (Boats is a nickname for all Boatswains Mates)ME "I want to get back to Cali Chief" HIM "Boats that’s what everyone is trying to do, what are you looking for? I see that you have done a FFG (frigate) a LPD (amphibious dock) and a LHD (another amphib)" ME "I was either thinking of another LPD or an LSD" HIM "Id say LSD Boats, Why don’t you give me a call back in September and ill see what I can do for you" ME "September?" HIM "Yeah boats that’s your 9 month window"... Here is Part 1 of the real interesting part, if you don’t have orders by the time you hit your 6 month window the "Needs of the Navy" kick into play and they will send you where they want you to go! Ummmmmmmm how about N O... Interesting huh? Well it’s going to get better hold on. One of the good things about being attached to RTC Great Lakes as an RDC is I get choice of Coast when I transfer! But the question still remains where on the West Coast will they send me? Time for the even more interesting part, on top of all of that stress the Navy recently started downsizing and we need to complete this thing called a PTS (Perform To Serve) basically its a package about me and my Naval Career that gets reviewed by all the higher ups that do not know me from Adam besides what they read in my package. They then decide one of 2 things 1. Can I stay in the Navy? 2. If they let me stay in the Navy do they want me as a Boatswains Mate or do I have to change jobs for my last 7 years in Service? I’m sure I'm just stressing over nothing but it’s still the "What If" factor! This is all I know, I joined right after high school and have been in since. So there it is and I’m going to end this so I can get my contacts out of my eye balls! Night yall. -Justin “Blessed, indeed, is the man who hears many gentle voices call him daddy!”

Been a while.

Ok so it’s been a few weeks since my last blog! Where to begin? Starting with my promise to Ashleigh about smoking, I haven’t been able to fully keep it AGAIN but I haven’t stopped trying either! I have actually cut way back and can go a lot longer without one now. So that’s good right? I will quit smoking very soon I am determined not to fail this time. On a different note we are still going to church and I have been getting more involved with it, volunteering allot and I think I have a spot on the Security team! Yes our Church has Security. I got baptized on Tuesday and it felt great! I am not good about getting in front of peers, I am afraid I might say something stupid and get laughed at lol... But it felt good to get up in front of Ashleigh, a couple of friends and a bunch of people I didn’t know and tell it all. They had us write a Testimony on our life before Christ, what brought us to the decision to accept Christ and the changes after accepting him. So getting in front of everyone and telling them my life before was "Closed off, full of hate rage and betrayal" then telling them what brought me to accepting Christ "that I realized all I was doing was hurting the people I loved the most". I almost lost it lol started shaking and my voice started cracking lol, I had to end my speech sooner then expected. Just looking into Ashleigh's eyes when I was giving my Testimony I could almost hear her say "Thank you and I love you" so again it felt GREAT. I still slip up from time to time but if it didn’t happen I wouldn’t be human right?! We all make mistakes the important thing is to realize you messed up, learn from it and don’t do it again. Also there are times you might think you are doing something right and feel deeply that its right but other parties involved may not see it the same way. When those times come across the best thing to do is try to talk it out LIKE ADULTS. Listen to what they have to say and what their interpetation of it was without interrupting them. It might bring a new light to the subject! It’s worked for us lol that’s the only reason I'm saying it.

Backsliding and Recognition

Well here I am 2:30 in the morning; my stomach is all tore up for some reason. I’ve made 4 trips to the bathroom in the last hour, and now I have resorted to using baby wipes to help comfort the process. But that’s not why I am writing today, or is it about the “Love Dare”. This one is all about me today.


Again I have been drifting away from my Faith in the lord, before I didn’t notice until it was too late. I realized it tonight when I went to bed and told Ashleigh that I don’t realize all the time how grateful I am that the Lord has made our paths come together (in different words) and how I take her for granted, That I don’t stop and think how wonderful of a person she is. After that was said was when I started thinking I have been “Backsliding” is what Christians consider it. It’s not a total loss of faith, just a little side step. Here is the actual definition.

Backsliding- When a person who is on the path of salvation “slides back” into their sins and turns away from God.

That’s when I prayed for forgiveness from veering away from him, asking him to help me become the Man he wants me to be, then going into thanking him for all the wonderful “Crazy” but wonderful things that went on today. Then I fell asleep for a little while until I was woke up by my stomach. Before I started to pray is when I realized that I was drifting away slightly; I noticed that I haven’t been praying as much as before, getting angry over nothing, quick to snap weather it be on the kids or snap back at Ash when I think that she is being crabby toward me. Like today (well yesterday) for example, I had this feeling that there just wasn’t something right between us today. And that is all it was “a feeling”, on our way back from volunteering at our Church for kids day. Both of the kids were completely BURNT OUT, we had been up since 6:45am out the door by 7:50 and to the Church by 8:10. The kids got to just let out as much energy as they could while Ash and I worked the event, I was on Security and Ash was stationed at the Balloon Tying. We took turns swapping off with the kids until our friends Todd and Tara Fort got there with their kiddos. Grace usually goes down for a nap around 9:00am or so sometimes we can push her till 1:00pm but not today! Both of them were done for, I was upstairs making rounds and Ashleigh was downstairs in the Church. I get a phone call from her saying that Grace was having a complete and utter fit for me so that is when we said it was time to get them home. On the way home Ash wanted to stop at the NEX to take care of a couple things. I said “why don’t we swing by and get something for them to eat, stop at the NEX and you run in while we stay in the car”? I must not have said it clear enough for her it sounded right to me but I have been known to say something that makes sense to me but not to others. I got a nod from her saying “ok that works” to my understanding, but when I was getting ready to turn and go get food is when it became apparent that she didn’t understand what I had suggested which irritated me because I thought she understood my “Masterful Plan”. We got food for the kids and I headed to the Exchange and dropped Ash of at the front door (Because we woke up to 2 inches of snow in the middle of March after it was all melted) and went to go park. As soon as her door shut Grace is in the back whining “Mommy, Mommy” over and over again getting louder and louder till finally I yelled “GRACE THAT’S ENOUGH” and she stopped. Did I really need to do that now that I think about it! Did I really need to get irritated with Ash because I didn’t deliver my message to her sufficiently enough? Did I really need to let all of that get to me for the next few hours until we headed to Chucky Cheese? And the answer to all of those is NO I did not it all could have been handled much better if I would have just continued to know that our Lord and Savior is with us all the time, I could have just asked for the Patience to handle the day. I didn’t ask for the help but I still received it, after we got home the kids went down for a nap and when they woke up we all headed to Chucky Cheese for almost 3 hours, getting a grip of tokens and tons of tickets! I even scored 53,000 points on Ski Bowl!! That was a first and it was awesome to say the least, sirens going off, lights flashing I felt pretty good about my self! The Ski Bowl Champ lol I had to run and tell Ashleigh about my exciting achievement!

Getting to the end I know at the beginning I said this was just for me, I'm going to change that to partly for me and finish it with this.

        Ashleigh, I don’t know how many times I need slaps in the face to tell me that you’re not always mad at or disgusted with me. I just want you to know that too often I take you for granted and what you do for not only the kids but for me as well. You are an amazing mother and astonishing wife. Even when the crap is at its thickest you are the one that is leading me out the other side smelling like Roses. I love you baby and I am sorry for being so crappy to you the past couple of days. “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” – 1 John 4:18

I love you Ashleigh



-Justin

“Blessed, indeed, is the man who hears many gentle voices call him daddy!”

Love always protects

Well to say the least today’s Dare is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done. I will get to what it is and why in a minute, But first here is why the title of today’s is what it is.

Men- you are the head of your home. You are the one responsible before God for guarding the gate and standing your ground against anything that would threaten your wife or marriage. This is no small assignment. It requires a heart of courage and head for preemptive action. Jesus said, "if the head of the house had known at what time of the night the thief was coming, he would have been on the alert and would not have allowed his house to be broken into" (Matthew 24:43). This role is mine and seriously is how I am going to take it.

With that being said here is today’s dare,

Remove anything that is hindering your relationship, any addiction or influence that's stealing your affections and turning your heart away from your spouse.

There are a few things that I would like to cut back on or get rid of completely. The first one that I am going to hammer down on, and will be the hardest thing I have done. Is to quit smoking. Did you see that? My wonderful wife just rolled her eyes in the back of her head and let out a “yeah, you’ve said that before” sigh! LOL just kidding love, but no really she did and I am going to put all my dedication without cutting from my family into this. Here is why this is what I feel most important to get rid of, besides my health which IS important. But not as important as 3 broken promises to your beloved, Ashleigh and I have been married for a little over 4 years now, and I have made many promises to her that have been broken over our years. This one being the most damaging, we got married on December 28th 2005, conceived Chase in May 2005 so from the time I found out I was going to be a Daddy I looked at her and told her that I would quit before he was born. That day has come and gone Chase just turned 4 in February, The next time I promised to her that I would quit was February 14th 2006 Chase’s birthday, I had only been able to spend 22 hours with my son before I had to pack up and leave Ashleigh alone with our New Born Son for 6 months! I promised Ash that I would be done with smoking by the time I got back from Deployment. Yep you guessed it another empty promise to my dearest. The 3rd time was after we found out about Grace, once again I said I will quit before Grace is born! On June 18th 2008, I was and am still smoking. During our process through “The Love Dare” there was a day that we were supposed to ask each other “What 3 things cause you to be uncomfortable with me?” one of Ashleigh's for me was about smoking. Now here comes my truth, you can NOT (well at least I haven’t been able to) quit smoking when you don’t want to or just because someone else in your life wants you to. That is just the truth I apologize if that makes anyone feel irritated or disagree with me. Here comes the other part of that truth I AM READY AND WANT TO quit. It has gotten to the point that I can smell myself after I have one, my garage floor is covered in ash’s (and dog food thanks to Kadence), I have been smoking since I was 16 and I am about to turn 31 in May, so now I have a slight “smokers cough”, I catch myself lighting one in the presence of our kids and they are concentrated on what I am doing. I have to brush my teeth, chew gum, throw in a mint or something to cover the smell just to kiss my wife and that still doesn’t work 100% and she pulls away on those days. I have to wash my hands EVERY time I want to run my hands through Ashleigh’s hair. So after reading today’s dare I sighed, put my head to my chest and started praying. This is what I want to do for not only my self but for my family, and with his strength I can do this. I am setting my Date to be April 10th 2010, that is the day that I am going to put it all down and what ever I have left is going to be destroyed in front of my wife and children, all smoking paraphernalia will be tossed to the wayside. So between now and 31 days from now I am going to slow myself on smoking from 1 pack a day to half and so on. 31 days now seems too short to me after reading what I wrote lol. That is the date I set and with Christ, Family and friends with me I will get there. Wish me luck and your prayers! Thank you and have a great Wednesday.

-Justin
“Blessed, indeed, is the man who hears many gentle voices call him daddy!”

When I am weak he is strong.

I have been working on this blog from 8pm-2am yesterday and most of today. Finding text from the bible, so hold on because this one is going to jump around and be long but heartfelt.

Yesterday had some unfortunate events that let me to completing the dare without even knowing what it was. What led me to be able to accomplish the dare came at a great cost to not only myself but to Ashleigh and our children.

I lost complete control of my temper yesterday afternoon, so bad that I threw myself into hyperventilation which has NEVER happen to me. That alone scared me senseless but worse then that scaring Ash and the kids to devastation. I would never hurt Ashleigh or the Kids physically what so ever, I was raised better then that, I hurt then emotionally and the way I acted I am sure they didn’t know what would happen. I don’t even want to imagine the Ugliness, the fear they were seeing through their eyes on how their father, their teacher, mentor, someone they depend on to make them feel safe and secure just let them down just demonstrating the wrong example.

After this occurred I was leaning against the front door Ash and the kids were gone, I finally caught my breath and for the second time in my life I felt something strong in me. It wasn’t my own strength because I was at my weakest point after just realizing what damage I have done to my family (this part I didn’t put into perspective until later that night over dinner with Pastor Thomas) It was the lords strength and his words coming into my thoughts telling me to pick up the phone and call Thomas. "For when I am weak, He is strong" 2 Corinthians 12:10. So I did and Thomas asked if I could stop by the church and we could talk. When I got there one of my other good friends and mentor brought more light to me eyes and helped me figure out where this anger was starting to brew, it comes from me not letting go of my pride of always trying to satisfy my family by doing way to much not asking for help. just working myself to the point of exhaustion when all I have to do from getting to that point is push pride to the side and ask Ashleigh for assistance not just give little hints that I think she would understand.

This is the point that I am going to start jumping around; I want you to get the full understanding on how with the unfortunate events lead me to completing the dare without knowing what it was.

Sometime during the conversations with Thomas and Tony I realized that I needed a "network" a lifeline basically and that’s when I joined a Mans Study at church. This is a weekly meet for just men that will give me the kick that I need and the honest blunt truth on how I am doing and where I am messing up and guide me in the direction to fix it. The same Ashleigh gives me only different because it’s from a group of Guys that have either had or are going through the same struggle.

The Other day my dare was for me to ask the Lord to give me a sign, to show me where I have been weak or where I could have put more heart into out of the previous 18 dares. So I did exactly what the dare was I went through from day one to day 19 and then I asked the Lord to give me a sign on where I needed to work. To show me where I wasn’t giving my whole heart. Before I continue I'm going to be honest and tell you for the past week or so I haven’t been true to myself or to my faith in God and drifted off the path letting sin take over. With that being said I got exactly what I asked for a sign that slapped me right in the face, he made me realize that anger was my struggle and he said exactly that through my friend Tony.

Two things happen at that point but here is some text from the bible that will say exactly what they are.

"For everyone who asks receives" Matthew 7:8


"In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his child." Hebrews 12:5-6.

"Submit yourselves to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you." James 4:7-8

Those 2 things were 1) that I asked for a sign to show me where I was the weakest so I would be able to restrain from doing it again. I just didn’t notice until it was entirely too late. 2) Because I haven’t been as faithful or true to the Lord, as one of his sons I needed to be disciplined. He disciplined me through my family, by imagining through their eyes the rage just pouring out from someone they are supposed to look up to. Did this punishment hurt? Beyond the way any word can describe. Think of it this way for a second when your parents disciplined you when you did wrong did it hurt? Now I want you to think of the worst fear you have and amplify that by so much more. That is how much my anger scared me yesterday. And if it scared me so bad all I can do is imagine how devastated my family was, I saw a small glimpse of the fear in both Chase and Grace's eyes. I saw the image replay in my head later that night. What I saw was these 2 beautiful helpless children asking their selves who this man was, because this is not their daddy. It was hate and rage that they should have not ever witnessed neither should have Ash. I saw the disappointment in all of them telling me they were hurt that I had failed them so bad. At the time it was happening I didn’t see all of this, it was later on the drive to Wild Wings where I meet Pastor Thomas when I had realized. After telling Thomas how I was feeling and imagining how scared they could be he told me to stop beating my self up. That the Lord was speaking to me. It was because I had made the first and hardest step which was admitting my imperfections and not casting blame (which I have done in the past) on Ashleigh. I will be honest in saying she had a part in it, but it wasn’t any wrong. I made that choice on my own to not hold back the anger. Again IT WAS MY CHOICE to do that no one else can do that for me.
      The next question Thomas had I knew the answer to before he asked, and that was what is the next step? To ask forgiveness not only from Christ and Ashleigh, but more importantly the kids. You may think they are to young to understand but when you see what I had this morning in their eyes then you can tell me if they are or not. When I looked into their eyes from their level I still saw a little fear in their eyes, I didn’t blame them what so ever for having that they had every right to feel that way. Instead I continued admitting that I was wrong and not myself, that I see how much I hurt them and don’t want to do that again. After saying that and asking if they would forgive me, those very same eyes went from being filled with fear to being filled with love and support. Then Chase showed me even more with 4 gentle words that lifted me from darkness to light "I Love You Daddy" once again I had the feeling of wholeness. "Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." Hebrews 4:16

This brings me to the conclusion on how I completed yesterdays dare without knowing!

"Dare to take God at his word. Dare to trust in Jesus Christ for salvation. Dare to pray, "Lord Jesus, I'm a sinner. But you have shown you love fore me by dying to forgive my sins, and you have proven your power to save me from death by your resurrection. Lord, change my heart, and save me by your Grace."

-Justin
“Blessed, indeed, is the man who hears many gentle voices call him daddy!”

Love seeks to understand

Man it has been a minuet since I have been on here LOL. The past few Dares have been just for me is one of the reasons I haven’t blogged. I really didn’t even want to post what they were about only because they were and still are very personal "just for me". Things have been Crazy at times but a good kind of crazy! Well actually there are pros and cons to how crazy it’s been. Pros- we have been busy between birthday parties to go to, Purse parties for Ash to make some money which is always nice! Pampered Chef Parties for friends to make some money and to get some stuff for us at a discount which is also always nice! Taking Chase to school which is wonderful because if you know my son he is just like me 100 miles and hour non stop, He manifests energy out of thin air! All he has to do is look at a can of Soda and he gets a sugar high. Grace expanding her vocabulary and explorations/torments and it seems that even though her vocabulary is growing she has focused on only one word "NO"! Ohhhh it drives us CRAZY to say the least. Now for the Cons- really the major con to being so busy is how fast the time fly's, as most of you know I am a Recruit Division Commander (RDC) and I am on "Hold" right now. For those of you who don’t know an RDC is a "Drill Instructor" for the Navy and being on Hold is what we call having a break, I have graduated 5 Divisions in my first year here at RTC Great Lakes, which is normal for us to do. I went on hold last June to FQA (Fleet Quality Assurance) we do the inspections on the Recruits. Time off there is great! And that is where the Conn comes in since I have all this time off to spend with my loves; the time goes by way to fast. As of now I only have 4 months left until I go "Back on Push". The hours when that happens are going to suck again, 18-20 hours a day 7 days a week. I will go to work when the kids/Ash is still asleep to turn around and come home from work when the kids are asleep. Leaving no time for Ash and I, which after all the problems Ashleigh and I have had, along with Reading the Love Dare, I will not let happen again. You have to make time for those who matter most to you! I’m going to be completely honest with you and myself. At the end of the day yes I am still a First Class Pettyofficer in the United States Navy, but when the time comes is the Navy going to be there for me when I'm having a crappy day? Is the Navy going to be there when my wonderful wife is so sick that she can’t get off the couch to take care of herself and the kids? Is the navy going to be there when my kids go off to college or what ever they plan on doing? Most of you would say yes but I’m asking those questions on a very personal, intimate and emotional point of view. My answer is NO, at the end of the day my family are those who will give me what I need to feel whole again, they are the ones who will make me smile, they are the reason's that I strive to be the best, they are the reason's I can and will not fail. They are the motivation that I have needed to be so successful in my career. Let me rephrase that last statement! Ashleigh is the motivation that I have needed to be so successful in ALL I do. It took me so long to realize that, do I regret that it has taken me so long to realize? A little, only because if I would have noticed sooner then my Wife and I would not be as close as we are this very moment! Do I wish I could take it back? Absolutely not, this is the path that has been chosen for me through a higher power that I am not going to question as to why, only thank him that it has been an eventful one. Which brings me to the real point, today’s Dare.

"How blessed is the man who finds wisdom, and the man who gains understanding" - Proverbs 3:13

Prepare a special dinner at home, just for the two of you. The dinner can be as nice as you prefer. Focus this time on getting to know you spouse better, perhaps in areas you’ve rarely talked about. Determine to make it an enjoyable evening for you and your mate.

This one could be a little difficult only because we can’t just ship the kids off! So for today’s they will be included in dinner plans LOL. For tonight I am making Chicken tacos in the Crock Pot, Little does Ash know but I AM MAKING DINNER!! I’m not going to give away all my details on how its going to be set out but we are going to have an Adult conversation tonight, because there are things that each of us would like to know more about! You can’t know everything in 4 years stuff changes from day to day. For instance if you would have asked Ash what is my favorite Soda a few months ago, She would reply with Mountain Dew. If you ask her now Coke. And that is just a small example. I will post tomorrow on what dinner was like and the things (if not too personal) I learned more about. Or you can just wait until later tonight for Ashleigh to post her blog to see what she bragged about! Until tomorrow readers have a great day.

-Justin

“Blessed, indeed, is the man who hears many gentle voices call him daddy!”

Love is Unconditional

Once again I didn’t get the chance to blog yesterday (I was playing assassin's creed II). Yesterdays Dare was to; "Think of a specific way you'd like to greet your spouse. Do it with a smile and with enthusiasm. Then determine to change your greeting to reflect your love for them." This is a great Dare, there have been times that she or I just walk in the door and I don’t really say nor do much. When she came in the door last night I stopped playing my video game got up and gave her a big hug and kiss. After doing that she lit up and had a glow to her. Just seeing that in her made me want to do it every chance I get. Watching the past couple weeks and our marriage grow so much closer really brings me enjoyment and security. Both of which I have had in my life but not all at the same time.


Today's Dare is; "Do something out of the ordinary today for your spouse - something that proves (to you and to them) that your love is based on your choice and nothing else. Wash her car. Clean the kitchen. Buy their favorite dessert. Fold the laundry. Demonstrate love to them for the sheer joy of being their partner in marriage."

All of the things the book listed are not "out of the ordinary" for me. As Ashleigh has stated numerous times over I do all the laundry so crap cant mark that one, Wash her car ok yeah I could BUT ITS WINTER AND 8 flippin degrees outside. But this is the one I picked (without knowing it was an example) Ash cooked dinner (as is the case most days) so I cleaned up the huge mess, from her wonderful Bacon blue cheese burgers mmmmmmmm! But the one that wasn’t on the list. She had a bad start to the morning and of course as the saying goes "it only gets worse before it gets better" it did. So when I got home from my late inspection I told her when she was finished eating that she was to go upstairs with a Smirnoff lock our bedroom door and no matter what she hears "DONT COME OUT" just go tune everything out read a book or do what ever just for herself for a bit. Just to get a little breather from the day. Let me know what you all think of today’s and if I "Did well" lol.

Seeing all these ways to really please Ashleigh is helping us out allot! I can’t tell you all in enough words how great of a feeling it is. Keep reading for tomorrows dare. Have a blessed night everyone.

-Justin
“Blessed, indeed, is the man who hears many gentle voices call him daddy!”